A year in review

This time last year I was dying. I had a brain that was trying to kill me and a body that was failing. My mind was completely distorted and the only thing that mattered to me was being skinny. I was a completely different person, I became everything that I hated, I was lying to the people I love just to get my way. I couldn't stand up in the shower, I fainted in all manner of weird places and I had to wear a jumper in 40°C heat.

It got so bad that I have almost no memory between July and December of 2018. My 18th birthday is a hazy memory and I spent the days leading up to it waiting to hear whether I was going to be admitted into the hospital. Instead of worrying about how to celebrate becoming an adult , I was worrying about whether I would have to spend the day in a hospital bed surrounded by strangers.

1 Year ago today (27/09/2018) I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa, I was given a treatment plan, I got given a chance to recover. That day, despite all of the pain will be a day that I will celebrate for the rest of my life, a date for which I now have permanently tattooed on my arm, the day in which I chose to survive.

This year undoubtedly has been one of the worst of my life, it has been one hell of an uphill battle. I have fought with all of my strength to still be here, and I am still struggling, I am still fighting. See the problem with an uphill battle is that its a lot easier to fall back down than moving forwards.

This year has been absolute hell but I have also grown so much. I have started to learn who I am and where I am supposed to go. I have met so incredible people who have taught me so much about myself, the world and how to look after myself. They have taught me that I am never alone. I have been shown time and time again how amazing and supportive my friends are. It's not going to be easy going forward but I know that I am strong and I am capable. But most of all, I am not alone.

See I have spent so much of this year wishing this wasn't my life, and I am not going to spurt some optimistic crap and say that it was all worth it because it absolutely sucked. However, if someone told me I could go back and make it never happen, I don't know whether I would take it. It's been a hellish year but I have learnt so much and grown so much as a person.

I have come so far, I have so far to go. For once, I think I am going in the right direction.

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