After a long and amazing week at camp it has been hard to come home and deal with real life again. Although camp was hard, it was a place where I never felt lonely and was always surrounded by my best friends.
Yesterday I was managing to cope with the afterglow of camp. People were messaging and it felt like we were all in the "Lee Abbey Blues" together. Today has not been so easy. For someone with Bipolar Disorder sudden emotional changes are difficult and for me I find they can often trigger an episode. I've spent the weekend sitting in bed, drained from energy, unable to pay attention to anything. I am finding myself crying over Pinterest quotes and mindlessly scrolling through instagram hoping something will trigger some joy in me.
I recognise that I am hitting a depressive episode, and that is scary for me. I know that for me depression is the more severe of the two states for me and that it is often fairly long lasting. I am unsure still, even after years of experiencing depressive symptoms, how to deal with it.
I am trying to remind myself that I manage to get through each time, and this time is no different. This time, I have just come back from camp, that experience is still there and is not erased by this episode, I need to rely on the new friends and old friends which I have developed whilst away and trust that the unconditional love that I experienced on camp doesn't disappear now that I am home.
It is very difficult for me not to self depreciate whilst I am feeling like this, and therefore negative thoughts creep in, trying to make me believe that nobody wants to hear about my symptoms. This is one of my biggest downfalls. I know, out of all the coping mechanisms, the one that works the best for me is talking to and spending time with my friends, yet my depression sneaks in and convinces me that I am not worthy of their friendship and that people only want to spend time with me when I am happy. This leads me to isolate and get stuck in a place of darkness, never getting out because I stop myself from doing the one thing that could help me.
I am stuck in my own head, recognising negative cycles yets not being able to pull myself out of them. Its important to start recognising the depressive thoughts and separating them from fact. I will never be able to cope with my depressive episodes if I can't start ignoring dark thoughts and moving past to do the thing that is right for me.